I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
