One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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