I'm sorry my penis didn't work
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
