so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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