i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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