my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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