Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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