i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
