I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
