I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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