And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
