You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
