The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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