I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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