Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
