How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize