Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
