Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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