so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
