She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
