I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
