I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
