my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
