On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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