Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
