you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
