I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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