U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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