I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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