You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
