In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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