I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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