My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
whose ass print is on the piano?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
