I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
