2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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