apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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