So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I need water and some morals
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
