Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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