Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
