My hand turned me down
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
