my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Randomize
