Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
