i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
