the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
