I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
