you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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