Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
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