I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
