It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
