Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
