so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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