I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
