When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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