God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
