Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
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