You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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