I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
