how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
