I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
