Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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