im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
