He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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