non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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