Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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