FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
