i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Drunk is not a location!
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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