i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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