I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Randomize
