a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Everything about him screamed your future.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
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